Moving Day Again

In the neverending quest for intellectual enlightenment, spiritual awakening, political awareness, appreciation for the arts, environment, and all humanity.....

And, in order to further confuse, alienate, and generally piss-off the virtual half-dozen or so readers that I have left......

I have decided for the sake of peace, harmony, world hunger, and for the sake of my infantile, childishly immature, often depressed little mind......

to go BACK to the Lord of the Idiot's blog!

Yes....just when you have grown accustomed to witnessing the phsychological meltdowns, mindless complaining and ranting, and generally worthless little posts that were more suited for the compost heap than publishing on the internet.......

I have again pulled the rug of security out from under you and are again asking you to follow me.....back to where it all started.....

Back to the Idiot blog....

Your Idiot Lord has returned for you....my children....

run...hide.....protect your pets....

See you on the other side.

Now, if you will excuse me....I have an extra-small, soaking wet, tiny little speedo to pack myself into.......



THE DEPRESSED IDIOT LORD BLOG IS CLOSED. HOPEFULLY FOR GOOD.

Weekend Greetings

I am off to see "Over the Hedge" today. Wish me well. I am anticipating a possible sneak-attack by a Catfish wielding, psychotic Arkansas Madwoman (Enigma).... I have my stinky, moldy, dead for 2 weeks Sea Bass holstered and ready for battle........ I will let ya'll know if the movie was any good and if the great fish battle of 06 did occur...... Talk to ya later.


"I got Bass that jingle jangle jingle........ "

The Five Things Tag

I have been tagged by crazy Canuck Blogger gal-pal Silver Creek Mom with the following "5 Things" challenge. Here goes, though the results will be less than newsworthy.

Five things in my fridge:

1. What appears to be a small palm tree growing out of a tupperware bowl.
2. Four half-drank glasses of various liquids. Tyler never finishes any drink and puts everything back in the fridge, where they stay until they too start to grow fauna and plants in them.
3. One Strawberry Daquiri Wine Cooler that I bought for my wife to take on vacation last year and that she has never drank.
4. Three Gallons of milk. It was on sale 2/$5 so I stocked up. The family better start drinking...fast!
5. Three half-full containers of Hershey's chocolate syrup. I have a weird habit of opening a new container whenever one gets half-empty.

Five things in my closet:

1. Enough Hawaiian Shirts to give every passenger on my next cruise a free shirt.
2. Long pants that I never wear. In my world, it's shorts all the time!
3. Twenty or so hats out of the 300 or so that I own. The others are boxed in storage.
4. What appears to be a small piece of some petrified, prehistoric little cat pebble.
5. A cat! (Live) Curled up sleeping inside a basket of my wife's sweaters.


Five things in my purse:

1. Lip Gloss
2. Hand Mirror ......hey wait a minute! I don't have a purse! Start over! disregard disregard!

Five things in my wallet/pocket:

1. 17 cents in change. The kids have pilfered all the bills.
2. Wal-Mart receipt from 1987.
3. A ball of lint large enough to clothe a small Nicaraguan child for 6 months.
4. My social security card which has been washed and dried 312 times in it's life. It is now virtually unreadable but very clean!
5. Peppermint candy wrappers from the last 30 times we have gone out to eat.


Five things in my car:

1. Cd's ranging from Slim Whitman to AC/DC.
2. My broken pair of sunglasses that I still wear. Both shades are cracked all the way through which results in me seeing four of everything.
3. The uneaten portions of my son's lunch from the drive-thru that we went through 2 weeks ago.
4. Parking receipts on the dash from baseball games that we went to last summer.
5. A Writhing teenage daughter, bound and gagged, crammed onto the floorboards, enroute to being deposited in the first boarding school I can find that will take a credit card.


Well, that's it for now. Thanks SCM for the tag! I think you have tagged pretty much everyone else already so I will just tag anyone that has NOT been tagged yet. You know who you are.

The Emergency Landing Rant

If you have flown in recent years, you may have noticed the Airlines new paranoia over any type of electronic equipment being on while the aircraft is taking-off or landing. In that all modern airliners are basically just huge flying computers, they do now want any type of electronics to be used that may interfere with the plane's systems. The flight attendants make you shut off cell phones, laptop computers, personal radios/CD Players, video cameras, and much to my shock, even my little battery powered digital camera. Once the plane has safely made it into the air or onto the ground, the flight attendants allow you to get out your electronics and use them normally. Although I can't figure out how my tiny digital camera could affect a huge modern jetliner, I comply with these instructions grudgingly.

A few nights ago, the news had a story about a US Airways flight from Washington, DC to Dallas that had to make an emergency landing in Washington. It seems it blew out a few tires on takeoff, had to circle for a few hours to burn off fuel, then was going to make an emergency landing minus a few of the precious wheels. Wheels are very important to planes for reasons other than making your trip down the runway smooth and safe. Imagine your car without tires driving down the highway...what do you get? Rims digging into the road, throwing up a huge amount of sparks! Same thing with a plane. No wheels equals rims digging into the runway, thousands of sparks ensue, all tucked neatly right under the 3,000 gallon tanks full of jet-fuel.
Your plane becomes a skidding stick of dynamite just waiting to explode!

A few weeks ago in Houston, this same thing happened with a Continental Airlines jet. The pilot made a perfect emergency landing that kept the struts with the missing wheels from hitting the runway until the last possible moment. He landed the plane and kept the plane balanced on just the right side and nose landing gear until the plane was going slow enough that when the strut with the missing tires hit, the sparks were very few, and no fire erupted. That pilot earned his pay that day!

Well anyway, here we are a few days ago with the same situation in Washington. This one had one major difference. We now had video footage of what went on inside the plane during the landing courtesy of a passenger with a video camera. The news played his video over and over showing the passengers hunched over in their seats in the crash positions as the plane violently shudders and shakes as it slides down the runway. The news anchors make frequent mention of the fact that this is the first time we have been actually able to witness what goes on inside an aircraft that is making a crash landing. And why is that? BECAUSE YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT ON DIMWIT!

obviously, the landing of the aircraft under normal conditions is the hardest part of a pilot's job. Taking off is pretty easy. Keep the plane straight, pick up speed, and the plane will get to a point where it will fly itself right off the ground into the air. The landing is all pilot skill and reliance on his instruments. Misjudge the runway by just a tiny bit and you crash short of the runway. Land a little too far down the runway and you might not be able to stop in time before you run out of runway. If Pilots are flying in bad weather, clouds, or at night, they rely heavily on their instruments since they can often not see a thing outside the cockpit window. So, you can see just how dangerous landings can be.

Now, Imagine how dangerous an Emergency Crash Landing has to be. It is the one thing that every pilot trains for but 99% of them never get to experience. You only get one shot at a crash landing so it has to be perfect. So, here's this pilot the other night, struggling to get his plane safely back down onto the ground and what is going on in the cabin behind him? Joe Tourist has whipped out the Camcorder and is filming everything! Surely the flight attendants had given the "no electronics "speech before the take-off and surely you would think that they would have given it again before the crash landing. But here is Joe Tourist with his video.... What would have happened if the plane had crashed and they determined that some vital piece of electronics had failed, and then they find Joe Tourists body still clutching his video camera. They take out the tape, play it, and determine that his camera messed up the planes electronics and contributed to the crash. Would you rather be known as the author of the first video from onboard a crashing plane or the author of the video that caused the plane to crash?

My Mom once got into a yelling match with a woman who had whipped out a cell-phone and was making calls as our plane was taking off. If my Mom had seen this idiot with the movie camera, he would have been the one passenger that did NOT survive the safe emergency landing.

A Cute Joke

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Kids of today are the adults of tomorrow…


(Rcvd from Aunt Terry via E-Mail)

The Beep Rant

BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP

"You like these Ham and cheese kruh-sants? I love em. My husband Walter kaint eat em cause they fect his colon. He had thirteen hundred feet of colon removed bout 3 years ago after he started havin lotsa blood comin out in his poop in the terlet. I told him it was parbaly just kuz of the fatty, greasy foods he uz eatin everyday that wuz causin the bloody poops since Walter really loves eatin them greasy pork sanwiches while heze watchin them Baywatch reruns every night befores we goes ta bed and commences with duh prokreatin do you watch Baywatch? I don't like it muhself cause dem women are all so fake, you know dem boobs on there is all fakes, they don't even look like real boobs, now look here....This here's a real boobie (Lifts Shirt) , well at least this one is real, I had to git this other one put in when the boobie exploded while I wuz gittin another dragon tattoo across it, but the doc did a good job building me a new one outta plastic and them little jiggly packets uh dishwasher detergent, looks pretty real don't it? And this nipple ring here was made at school by muh 5 year old yungun Vernell, see that....that's a little Spongebob right there on the nipple............"

BEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

"You like Coker-Cola? I do toooo! Course Walter kaint drink it nomore cause it causes the bloody poopies but me and Vernell love drinkin coke. We wuz just drinkink coke last night while we was watching the Britney Spears Video Marathon when Vernell's little kitty "Althea" ran under duh fridge and got caught up in the fan blade of duh fridgerator engine. That little kitty come flyin out from under that fridge in about ten different pieces with little furry blood and guts spraying all over muh clean floor. OH baby....Sir, tell yer little boy not to cry, now..now...little fella...don't you worry bout that little kitty....she didn't suffer a bit...her little head gots chopped clean off lickety split so she didn't feel nothin......Look..I saved the head right here in my pocket...see.....see the happy look on her little face?......



That'll be $2.16 Please Sir




Elapsed time: 4 minutes and 12 seconds.

Products bought: 2

Topics covered: Rectal bleeding, nipple piercing, fake breasts, baywatch, Britney Spears, Cat Mutilation, SpongeBob.



Oh... the joys of going through the Express Lane at Wal-Mart.


Priceless!

The Idiot Teacher Rant

Earlier, I did a post in which I ranted about the poor pay systems that our countries schoolteachers faced, which results in a tremendous shortage of qualified teachers. If you pay peanuts for years and years, you tend to attract monkees that will eagerly work for the peanuts. To put in clearly, because we can not attract good, qualified teachers for our children, we are now forced to hire many brain-dead, unqualified idiots. I cite two examples that I have heard on the news just in the past 24 hours.

Here in Texas, a schoolteacher decided to show his History Class the unedited movie "Saving Private Ryan". If any of you have seen the movie, you know just how intense and graphic the first 20 minutes of this movie are. The teacher decided it would be a good history lesson for the kids and that they needed to see all the violence and brutality of war. Was this a High school History class? No. This was a class of 5th graders in Elementary School! 10 and 11 year olds watching the movie, at school! Five of the kids got sick and had to leave the room. What brain-dead teacher would show a very Rated-R movie to 5th graders?

Next is the teacher in Missouri that I just heard about on CNN. He gave his class a creative writing assignment to his class of High Schoolers. He asked them to write about:
If they could kill someone.....who would it be....and how would they kill them?
This was his creative writing assignment! In this day and age of kids going beserk and actually killing fellow students and teachers at school, this idiot wants the kids to write out how they would do it......for a grade! Aaaaarrrgggggg!!

This past winter, down here in the Dallas area, we had a teacher in the news that decided to tell her entire class of first graders that there really was no Santa Claus and that parents were responsible for all the gifts at Christmas. Needless to say, 25 sets of parents were all highly irate.

If we paid our real teachers what they are worth, we wouldn't be forced to hire these idiot's off the street!


In one of my favorite movies, "Monty Pythons The Meaning of Life" there is a scene at a boys prep school where a teacher is attempting to teach a Sex Ed class. He tries to instruct the boys on the proper way to have intercourse by actually having sex with his wife on a bed at the front of the room. In true Monty Python fashion, none of the boys are paying attention in class and all seem bored even though this man is having sex with his wife right in front of them. I thought this scene was hilarious! Sad thing is that somewhere here in the USA, their is probably an idiot teacher that would actually do that and think that it was educational.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Teachers. We just need to keep the Idiot's out of the teaching profession!

The Nurse Rant

My Brother-in-law Richie is going to school to become a nurse. As you may remember from way back when, I was a nurse prior to getting injured in 1999. Yes ladies, just Imagine me, The Lord of the Idiot's, with your live's in the palm of my sick and twisted mind and hands. Actually, without tooting my own horn, I think I was a damned good nurse. I used to be a very outgoing and friendly fellow and genuinly enjoyed helping others. Of course I tried to use my warped sense of humor when dealing with patients and the patients all seemed to enjoy the good occasional laugh. I will relate a story of humor gone bad in hopes that my Brother-in-law will not follow suit and will keep the humor to a minimum.

During one nursing stint, I was working the night shift at a rural hospital. The night shift consisted of three nurses taking care of about 12-15 patients each night. We had one patient that had been in the hospital for months, an elderly man who determined that he would rather pay the daily fee for the hospital room, than have to pay to live in a nursing home. He found he got a lot better care and food in the hospital and he developed a real bond with all us nurses. His wife would come visit him faithfully 2-3 times a day and over the months she brought stuff from home and managed to turn the hospital room into a near re-creation of his room at home. We will call him "Mr. Smith".

Mr. Smith had a great sense of humor. In that most patients were asleep all night long, us nurses would end up playing lots of pranks on each other in order to stay awake. Mr. Smith was quite often awake during the middle of the night and whenever he would hear laughter, he would ring his call button so I couold come down and relay the nights latest prank to him. Sometimes he would laugh so hard that I thought he would keel over right there in the bed.

One night, I decided to include him in one of my pranks. I spelled out my plan with him and he got a huge grin on his face and eagerly agreed to participate.

This was the plan. Nurse "A" was a new female RN with a very serious attitude problem and no sense of humor. My plan was that I was going to crawl under Mr. Smiths bed and lay on my back. Mr. Smith would ring his call-button and ask for nurse "A" to come assist him. Nurse "A" would enter the darkened room, walk to his bedside, and then I would lunge out from under the bed and grab both her ankles while letting out a blood-curdling scream. Surely this would scare a couple gallons of urine out of her!

We set the plan in motion. I crawled under Mr. Smith's bed as the old man giggled and tried to maintain his composure and then he presses his call button. Within seconds I heard the tell-tale "clip-clop" of female shoes heading down the hallway. The underside of the bed was illuminated with light from the hallway as the door swung open and the footsteps moved across the room then stopped at the head of his bed. I turned my head and noticed two definite female shoes, complete with hose-covered ankles, standing just inches from my hiding spot. I lunged into action. I grabbed both ankles, screamed like a banshee at the top of my lungs, then watched as chaos followed. The woman let out a frightened blood-curdling scream then collapsed like a sack of potatoes onto the floor just in front of me. Mr. Smith screamed at the top of his lungs and I smiled that the old man was really getting into this prank and was giving a real good preformance. I looked over at the unconscious body of nurse "A" but quickly noticed that it was not nurse "A" that was laying on the floor, it was "Mrs Smith". I had just grabbed the crippled little ankles of a 90 year old woman, screamed like a banshee, and then obviously I had managed to do the unthinkable and had actually killed the poor woman! I wriggled out from the bed to find a hysterical Mr. Smith struggling to get out of his bed to help his poor wife, still screaming hysterically all the while. Mrs. Smith still lay motionless on the floor, which of course was expected, seeing as how she was DEAD! I ran into the hall and yelled for the other nurses but there was no sign of them anywhere, obviously they were out smoking outside and could hear nothing of the murders going on inside the building. I ran down to the nurses station and grabbed the crash cart. I would have to revive the poor woman myself! I grabbed the cart and tore down the hall back towards Mr. Smith's room, all the while contemplating what life was going to be like in Prison after this fiasco was over. I reached the room and bolted through the door. My heart stopped. There in the room were the other two nurses, including nurse "A". Mr. Smith was on his bed but was covered up with a white sheet. On the floor, Mrs. Smith still lay face down but was also now covered up with a sheet. The other two nurses stood over them with solemn looks of despair on their faces. I was obviously now a double murderer, poor Mr. Smith must have passed away when his heart could not take anymore once his poor wife hit the floor. I stood there, hands on the now-useless crash cart, and could think of nothing to say. All of a sudden, the silence of the room was interrupted by the distint sound of a rather large, wet bit of flatus being passed. I looked down at the floor. The sheet covered body on the floor began to wiggle slightly and I could hear muffled giggles coming from the poor womans corpse. All of a sudden the sheet covered body of Mr. Smith began to jiggle and more muffled giggles could be heard. I looked at the nurses. They were still straight-faced but had looks of pain in that they were obviously biting into their lips or tongues in a vain effort to keep from smiling or laughing. The Gig was up. "Allright! Who farted?" I yelled. The whole room erupted in laughter. Mr. and Mrs. Smith both pulled off their sheets and broke into uncontrolled hysterical laughing. The nurses broke down and started laughing. Down the hallway, I could hear half a dozen patients in other rooms all laughing hysterically. I had been had. The joke king had just been the subject of a doozy of a joke himself.

Mr. Smith had been looking for an opportunity to play a joke on me for months. When I hatched my plan for nurse "A", he saw his opportunity. He got the other nurses and his dear wife all involved in the plan and once he pressed his call-button with me under his bed, I never had a chance.

If poor Mrs. Smith had been able to stifle that large fart at the end, I probably would have ran from the building in tears, convinced that I had just killed an elderly couple all by myself. So, now every day I give thanks to the Lord for that glorious fart. The fart that kept me from a life on the lam, a life in prison, and the fart that showed me that even the KING can fall prey to a well-planned joke.

So Richie, future nurse of the family, take one little piece of advice. "Watch whose ankles you are grabbing!"

Breaking News: The Bird Flu hits Florida!

The Idiot TV Reporter Rant

I'm sitting here watching my local tv news when a story comes on about an innocent good samaritan being shot and killed last night in Dallas. Apparently, this man witnessed a fight between a man and woman outside a gas station and went to intervene, not knowing either of the two people fighting. The fighting man then shot the good samaritan and killed him. In their quest for journalistic excellence, the tv station sent a reporter to the home of the slain man to interview his family. And what do they ask the grieving widow who's brave husband was killed the night before?

"Maam...What do you think of the murder of your husband?"

That was the question!

What is the woman expected to say to an idiotic question like that?

Is she supposed to say...."My husband was a terrible man. He was unfaithful, he was a liar, he was bad with money, he was inadequate in bed, he beat our children, he was a drug addict, he tortured our pets, and stole from the collection plates at our church.........I'm glad he is gone. "

Good grief people! You don't ask a woman who's poor innocent good samaritan husband was killed trying to help total strangers...."What do you think of his murder..."

Maybe I should be a TV reporter, it obviously doesn't require the use of any brain cells.

I'm already qualified.

The Whacked-out musical taste rant

I have a ton of music on CD's, Casettes, Vinyl Albums, and on my computer. I will listen to almost everything out there except for rap and nazi death speed metal. I make mix-cd's with all kinds of music all jumbled together which my wife hates. She has a wide variety of musical tastes but does not like jumping all over the musical landscape all in one cd. When she is in the mood for Country, she plays a country cd and does not want Garth Brooks to be followed by Whitesnake. You get the drift. So, I listen to my wierd homemade cd mixes when I am here alone during the day.

Right now, in the computer is a cd with the following songs:

DAISY JANE BY AMERICA
LONELY BOY BY ANDREW GOLD
BIRMINGHAM BY AMANDA MARSHALL
LARGER THAN LIFE BY THE BACKSTREET BOYS
IT'S A MIRACLE BY BARRY MANILOW
GOD ONLY KNOWS BY THE BEACH BOYS
LOVE YOU INSIDE OUT BY THE BEE GEES
LIFESONG BY CASTING CROWNS
DREAMING BY BLONDIE
I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU BY THE BROTHERS JOHNSON
CLOSE TO YOU BY THE CARPENTERS
RIDE LIKE THE WIND BY CHRISTOPHER CROSS
HOW MUCH LOVE BY LEO SAYER
TALK TALK BY TALK TALK
TALK BY COLDPLAY
STAND OR FALL BY THE FIXX
EVERYBODY'S GOTTA LEARN SOMETIME BY THE KORGIS
MY GIRL (GONE,GONE,GONE) BY CHILLIWACK


Now how's that for variety! I am weird or what? Obscure 80's hits mixed in with contemporary christian, modern alt. rock, and a little Barry Manilow on top.

Anyone else got such a wierd taste in music or am I truly warped?

The Post Mothers Day/Birthday Rant

To all you Mom's out there, a belated and heartfelt Happy Mothers Day! To all you mom's that raised teenage daughters........how the heck did you do it? What was your secret?

Please tell me, I'm desperate!

As you know, I turned 41 this past Friday. After school on Friday, the little wife went home to Chillicothe by herself for a quiet Mothers Day weekend at her parents. We have had a lot of stress and depression in our house for awhile and the little wife just needed a breather off by herself.

That left me with hyperactive young boy and psychologically unhinged teen daughter, all alone for the weekend.

Not to get into the gory details, but the next 48 hours were near constant yelling, screaming, and multiple phone calls between our house, my wife's cell phone, and my parents house. What started out as a good day on Saturday when Hannah was offered her first job that she starts on June 1st, quickly spiralled downhill when the daughter decided to make plans and spend money she has not even earned yet. A situation occured where I told her she could not do something and she said she would go over my head to get the item. I told her that if she did do that, that the result would be not that she would get in trouble, but that I would be deeply hurt as her father. I explained that if she ran off and went to others every time I said no to something she wanted, that then I have basically lost all control as a father, and that this would deeply hurt me. She then blatantly told me that she would do it anyway. As it turned out, the person she turned to for the item would not get it for her either, so she did not get it. But the damage has been done. If the person had bought it for her, she would have it. I am very hurt she would have done this to me. The sad thing is that because she is a kid, she is trotting around the house now like nothing happened. She has no idea what she has done to me. She only cares about herself, nothing about anyone else around her. She is the most selfish, self-centered person I have ever met. I am hurt, because my wife and I did not raise her this way. We were not raised that way. We don't know what happened along the way. She will be 16 in 2 weeks. As far as I know, she did not buy her Mom a Mothers Day Card, or even tell her Happy Mothers Day over the phone or when she got home. I did not buy a card or anything for the wife to be from Hannah because I figure at 16 she is old enough to remember her Mom by buying her own cards or gifts. She is so selfish though, that she will not spend a dime on anyone else when she could spend it on herself. Her excuse on why she did not get her Mom anything, "I did not have any money". She was given money less than a week earlier and spent all of it on phone cards for her cell phone.
I don't know what to do with her anymore. I keep getting told that this is just "Normal teenage daughter behaviour" but I can't handle it. I guess I am just not equipped to deal with teen daughters like the billions of men before me that survived the ordeal. I have my own depression issues going on, along with dealing with being disabled, and having no self-esteem left, so I am at the cracking point now with all this teen daughter drama.

She just called me from school to tell me that she passed a Math Test. She still has no clue how much I am hurt. I am not going to tell her what I am feeling because it will only draw a forced, unsincere "I'm sorry" out of her. She does not read this blog, so she will not know.

Where did I go wrong?

PIX BLOG

I have a picture blog started at www.depressedidiotpix.blogspot.com in order to save some of my digital photogrpahs from the next computer virus that wipes my hard-drive clean.

Tornados and Pets Rant

The other night we had a severe thunderstorm coming our way. As you know, I live in a manufactured home, AKA a trailer, a home constructed with excellent skill and craftsmanship out of carboard, tape, toothpicks, paper mache, and a home that has a large red "bullseye" painted on the roof for all passing tornadic storms to easily pick out. We have no basement, no storm cellar, no interior bathroom, or any other type of room that one might consider safe if a twister should hit us. Due to this fact, my wife has chosen to take flight and travel 2 miles down the road to her school to sit out severe storms. Her school has no cellar or safe rooms but is constructed of concrete and brick which will allow you to survive an extra 32 seconds if suffering a direct hit from a tornado. You do now get this 32 seconds if you are in a trailer in that a trailer will explode into a million little pieces when the wind reaches anything over 14mph which means that a tornado only has to be within 3 counties or so for your home to be demolished.

Well, anyway...

A storm was coming, Hannah was spending the night at a friends house, and the wife decided it was time to abandon our blue carpeted little palace and make a dash for the school.
She grabbed the boy and bolted out the door.

I could not stand to leave our poor, defenseless little Kitty Cats behind alone in the storm, and there was a real good ballgame on TV, so I heroicly decided to stay home and go down with the cardboard ship.

Outside the wind started blowing, howling at at least 7mph, and the little cardboard house started to shake. I rounded up the cats, placed them all in the safest place I could find for them, and then climbed into a closet, where I could still clearly see the ballgame until the power went out.

The storm roared for minutes and minutes, the little house shook, dripped, and creaked, but it held together and the power never went off.

The wife and boy stayed at the school for another 3 hours until the storm had passed over the state line and into Oklahoma, and then they headed home.

We all hugged and cried and she take great satisfaction that we all had survived and that the little blue carpeted psycho house was still standing, when she noticed that none of the four little furballs was anywhere to be seen.

"Where are the cats?" she asked.

"I put them in a safe place that would be real hard to blow away" I smiled proudly.

I pointed across the room.

My Wife's happy grin turned to a look of shock.

"YOU IDIOT!!!!!"

I had done it again

How was I to know that Cats could not survive in a closed , sealed refrigerator for over 3 hours?

Who knew?

The Freight Train Rant

Here in Tornado Alley, news of deadly twisters destroying homes and property is a real common occurence in the springtime in North Texas. While I sympathize greatly with these poor people that have lost everything, and I pray to the Lord that this never happens to my family, I have one small bone to pick.

Every tornado survivor that has been interviewed on live television after a killer tornado has gone through has said the exact SAME thing. "IT SOUNDED JUST LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN!!" Those of you living in the Midwest or South, you have to know what I mean.....it's always the same "freight train" analogy.

Do People that live near railroad tracks frequented by freight trains hear the Tornado if a train is coming at the same time? Just a thought, but anyway....

If you have just been devastated by a tornado, and have lost everything, and some yahoo sticks a camera in your face, I look at this as a unique opportunity to leave your mark on tornado reporting for all eternity to come....

It's simple. Give them a graphic description of the horrific sound of the twister, without mentioning the word freight train, and you will stand out from the crowd of other twister victims.

If my house gets leveled, and Channel 5 shows up asking me to describe the sound of the twister, I see an opportunity.....

"Oh yeah Phil.....Me and the wife wuz in duh throws of sex-eeuhl fortification with duh kidz hidin under duh bed when I's herd the ternaiduh cumin down the road....It made a sound that I aint wantin to hear ever agin in muh life. It sounded like a real high pitched squeeeel kinda like a cross betweens a pairs of sharp fingernails scraping down a big chalkboard and the sounds that a perty boy newbie makes while being gang fornificrated in a jail cell down at the prizun. Then Phil, this squeeel gots reeealll loud kinda likes a tooth drill down at duh dentis offus, just like the squeeel when da drill goes through da tooth and starts hittin yer bone and smoke starts cumin out yer mouth.....ya! Dat's the sound!"

You will come off looking like an uneducated, backwoods, dentally-challenged, homosexual rapist.......but when all is said and done, who will the television viewers remember the next morning? The "freight train" or "the fingernail scraping, jailraping,smoking drill" sound?

Now....how is that for dark!

One other note. Can blue carpenting cause dementia, phsychosis, and depression? Our house was completely carpeted with dark blue carpeting when we bought it. We are two strapped to put in new carpeting. Everywhere you go, blue, blue,blue. I am stuck in the blue house all day long, 7 days a week.

Can blue carpet make you go crazy?

Just a thought.

The Goodbye 40 Rant

Goodbye 40.

Tomorrow is my birthday. The Big 41!

40 years ago I was wallowing around in steaming, filled to the brim, diapers and would pee on the floor, in the bed, or anyone else that happened to be benath me when I had to go.

I am now closer to that period returning to my wonderful life than the time that has passed since my infancy.

Pretty soon, I will be waddling around the house in the puffed-out, filled to the brim Depends briefs, and will be drooling and peeing all over everything, just like back in the good old days.

Life sucks!

So, what will I do on my birthday? The same thing I do on any other Friday during the school year.....nothing! I will get up, eat, kick a cat, eat again, watch TV, blog, kick another cat, and then go pick up Hannah at school.

Just like any other weekday.

My Dad's birthday is this next Monday. I don't know exactly how old he is, somewhere around 105 I figure. He's already a drooling vegetable so I know exactly what I can look forward to. I can hear him rewriting the will right now.

He's 105 and has 3 gray hairs. I will be 41 and look like Steve Martin. Go Figure.
Maybe it's because he never had a teenage daughter.

The Teen Queen turns 16 on the 30th. Still 19 more days to go. She wants her and 900 friends to go out to a nice restaraunt on her birthday. $$$$$$$
She wants her and 900 friends to all go to Six Flags theme park for her birthday. $$$$$$$$$
She wants nothing for her birthday gift that costs less than $900,000. $$$$$$$$$

See why we are doing nothing on MY birthday. We will forever be in debt paying off HER birthday...

Last night she got mad at us and stormed out of the room because we refused to tell her what she was getting for her birthday. We told her she would have to wait till her actual birthday to get her gift. Call us old-fashioned. She stormed out saying that was "so unfair".

Only 4 more weeks till the Oregon Vacation. Hope I live that long.

We are supposed to go to Trial on Monday. We are number #2 on the docket behind a criminal case. If we do not go on Monday, our next trial date is in November.

I have heard nothing from our lawyers so I guess we are not going on Monday after all.

What Legal case you ask?

I can't give you any details or I would have to kill you.

All I can say is...

7 years ago I had a surgery. Things did not turn out well. Lawyers were called. Legal case ensued. Has been going on since 1999. Finally supposed to go to trial on Monday. Looks like November now.

The mystery deepens.

Goodbye 40...Hello 41!

Enigma, you are safe for awhile......dark idiot is still going strong.

Leah, this is not your fault. You did not rub off on me. I have always been a dark clown hiding under a happy clown face.

Gotta go....Days of our lives is coming on.

Life goes on.